Essays

The following are written for the spoken word and not intended to be grammatically correct.

HOW DID WE GET SO DUMB?

The lowlight of the Trump Presidency is the dumbing down of fucking everything…like we all feel it right? And it’s difficult to put words to, but we feel it.

Despite all our technology and accumulation of knowledge–we mapped the human genome, SpaceX just successfully landed their 50th rocket, and the answer to almost every question you can think of is in your hand…but despite all of that, we’ve collectively never ever been fucking dumber.  This is the fucking dumbest point in American history and we have the President to prove it. 

DON'T BOYCOTT THE ELECTION

Dear Bernie supporters,

I know you’re upset about the way the Primaries have been shaking out, you’re hurting, maybe crushed, and maybe heartbroken. But, from the bottom of my heart, please don’t get so disgusted that you decide to sit out the election. The USA is in a real state of peril thanks to Don.  Boycott any other election you like, just not Nov. 3rd 2020. 

There is an active campaign by The President and his allies, Republican dark money and foreign interference persuading you not to vote.  Please don’t buy into it and don’t let your friends buy into it either. 

Your vote will not be between the lesser of 2 evils so what’s the point?  Your vote is important. Please don’t argue that it’s only a vote between thoroughly mediocre or downright awful. Even if those were your only 2 options; only an idiot would vote for awful over mediocre. Compared to being awful, being mediocre fucking rocks. 

This vote is about which path this Country will move forward on.  This vote is between an essential National reset or accelerating our entire Government’s race to the bottom and rot from the head. Boycotting the election is a vote for Don and that’s frankly unaccfuckingceptable.

P vs. PC

I’ve been slowly reading The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. I also find it curious how sometimes the Universe seems to occasionally provide us with pertinent information at precisely the right moment. The concept of Production vs. Production Capacity (P vs. PC) was one of those when-the-stars-align-moments for me.

And because I hear from some of you that find my story curiously inspiring-and this is directed at the those that are like damn—if this dimwit can push himself this hard, I certainly can too. Please rethink that because I was wrong. I don’t want you to work yourself so sick that your whole existence is out of balance.  So personally, here’s where I’m at.

If I continued the course of pushing myself so hard that I’m like fuck it, if I end up in the hospital, I end up in the hospital…that attitude was obviously not going to work long term. While it may boost our production short term, over time we will grind ourselves down too far and our production capacity to create our best work will decrease. P vs. PC.

I’m not any less driven or focused on achieving the task at hand, I am taking my foot off the emotional gas pedal just slightly and embracing the freedom of the mantra—relax, have fun, be yourself, do your best…and I hope you can too.  We only have a short amount of precious time, let us live it beautifully.  Whatever that means to you, live it beautifully.

SNOWFLAKE

I have to begin this evening by getting something off my chest that drives me a little further insane every time I hear it…and I have enough mental health issues all by myself, thank you very much.

The right wing media silo of the usual suspects…I speak of FOX News, talk radio and half of the fucking internet…always seems to resort to the same insult aimed at anyone whoever has the balls to aghast…even slightly disagree them.  And that insult is the word SNOWFLAKE. 

The popular definition of a “snowflake” on Urban Dictionary is– A term used to describe extremist liberals that get offended by every statement and/or belief that doesn’t exactly match their own. These individuals think they are just as “unique” as snowflakes, when really their feelings are just as fragile. Millennial snowflakes, Democrat snowflakes and fucking mainstream media snowflakes…a generation of snowflakes, a country of snowflakes and an entire fucking planet full of snowflakes!!

But this hypocrisy is so thick, ripe and leafy I could put in my bong and smoke it and stay high for fucking years on this nonsense.  Look no further than the right wing hate machine’s blood curdling venom directed at Mitt Romney.  All group-thinkers that don’t have 1 ounce of Mitt’s courage, even if you disagree with him.

Donald Trump Jr. called Mitt Romney a pussy on Instagram: so brave.  Lou Dobbs called Romney Judas, Brutus and Benedict Arnold: so bold. But who’s the real traitor here Lou?  And the apparently inbred Texas congressman Louis “I shit in my cowboy hat” Gohmert wore a “Quit Mitt” button on the Sean Hannity show: so courageous.

But without a doubt the Most Valuable Sycophant award goes to former White House foreign policy advisor and now of course radio host, the good doctor himself…Dr. Sebastian fucking Gorka who renounced Mitt Romney as a “skirt wearing, little pajama boy, millennial snowflake.” 

All class Dr. Gorka, all class…and I think those responses explicitly expose who the real SNOWFLAKES are…and I could go on for pages and pages before getting to the low hanging fruit of simpleton’s like the Greg Gutfeld and Dan Bongino ilk…And just in case you’re wondering where Dr. Sebastian Gorka got his doctorate to espouse such knowledgeable and in-depth political analysis…that is of course the University of Minnesota, Duluth Halloween store located just slightly off campus.  I’d say the whole merry band of them could buy snowflake costumes there, but seriously—what would be the fucking point?

FRANKLIN GRAHAM

Franklin is the son of the late evangelical global superstar and repressed Mike Pence gay fantasy, The Rev. Billy Graham.  Franklin has anointed himself successor to his dad’s Christian empire masquerading as America’s moral compass, when all he really cares about is power…and persecuting queers as sport…but mostly power.

And in his capacity as wannabe spiritual Godfather to the Nation, Franklin decried the moral indecency of Halftime with JLO and Shakira as a visual assault against children and another example of American moral rot. 

This is the same dude who has defended and stands alongside the most immoral president in the history of our Republic after every scandalous turn.  Porn star bribes, no problem.  All the President’s lies, glorious lies…never a peep…actually that’s a poor example since lies are the coin of Franklin’s realm—I strike it from the record.  But credible accounts of rape and sexual assault against Trump, who cares?  Trump is just an imperfect vehicle sent here by the Lord to do your personal bidding Old Testament style, right Franklin?

JLO was actually covered from the waist down the entire time by a skin tone body suit. She was essentially wearing bedazzled and rhinestoned yoga pants.  I’ve seen more revealing costumes in Winter Olympic figure skating and don’t get me started on my 93 year old Grandma’s favorite show DWTS (that’s Dancing with the Stars).  Triple XXX rated by comparison. 

So with this halftime outrage, he’s either trying to recreate a biblical miracle and part the Red Sea with a staph of hypocrisy…or he thinks his followers are just too plain dumb to notice. If I’ve got this straight, and feel free to insert your own joke about Franklin’s homophobia here, if I’ve got this straight: Trump is perfect no matter what…but beautiful and talented girls dancing; absofuckinglutely not.  And Hell hath no fury, like an angry Franklin Graham social media post.  Save us Franklin, save us…from yourself. 

NANCY THE RIPPER or MITT?

Who do you think the Republicans hate more right now…Nancy Pelosi or Mitt Romney?

#NancyTheRipper is still trending on Twitter.  By now you’ve seen it.  Speaker Pelosi thought Trump’s State of the Union address was so disgusting and lie infested, she got in touch with her inner Cardi B or something and proceeded to rip up her official copy of the President’s speech right behind the man.  The Republican backlash was predictable and even some Democrats hated it.  I however, fucking loved it…cuz at some point enough is enough is enough already.  And I mean this in the most complimentary connotation of the term…Nancy Pelosi is a Bad Bitch!

But on Fox News there’s been calls for her to resign, to be charged with a crime since it was an official Presidential document…but the best response of all was Vice Pastor Pence on Fox & Friends this morning who said, he couldn’t tell if she was ripping up the speech or ripping up the Constitution…in related news the Vice Pastor also can’t tell if his religious zealotry and homophobic bigotry are still successfully masking his deepest secret.  

Or is it Willard Mitt Romney more hated? The lone Republican to break ranks and vote to convict and remove Trump in the Impeachment trial.  His speech was somber, sober and deeply patriotic…and then since Romney told no one of intentions before his remarks, the right wing hate machine’s instant outrage that anyone would dare to vote their conscience and second guess the very stable genius was equal parts predictable and frightening. 

Romney was close before, but now he’s officially been excommunicated from the Cult of Trump.  Donald Trump Jr. AKA The Brains of the Operation, is demanding that Romney be expelled from the Republican party.  And Sean Hannity has been spotted wandering the streets on New York in a drunken stupor, clutching an American made Swiss Army Knife threatening to slice the dick off any man who even mutters the name Willard Mitt Romney…ok, I have no factual data about Hannity…but that is the way I imagine it.

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